a house is just a house

well its the day before what would have been aj's 23rd birthday.  i did not sleep well, its hard to sleep well when ur eyes are burning from crying.  6 years.

but in my tossing and turning last nite i, as is customary when i cant sleep, have major mind chatter.  this one revolved around our current home in frankfort, IL.   its a nice house, we have done some very nice things to it.
but its just a house.  i have often wondered for the past 4 years of living here why i havent "bonded" with this house.  i have painted, stripped wallpaper, redone a kitchen, cleaned, decorated etc. and yet at the end of the day, altho i am proud of my accomplishments, i really dont care about this house.

so i figured it out last nite.  we have never been a "family" here, no children have lived and grown here.  its just me and jeff, which is fine, and eventually that would have been the case in our other houses.  but how we got to this point isnt in the "natural" scheme of family life.  leanne and jp lived with us for 3 wonderful months, and they have come to visit.  julie, josh and aliza have come to visit.  but none of them have lived here like before.

we should have never been back here anyway.  we were living in oklahoma, with aj, our only child at home with us, but there was activity and life in that house.  i feel in this house we just exist.  thats sad, and i know it.
aj would have finished high school, went off to college (or to canada) and then moved out, that would have been the "easy" way of becoming empty nesters... but then that house would have had family memories to hug us with.  this house doesnt have that, not much of it any way.   i doubt in the scheme of things, aside wonderful neighbors, that once we move from this house that i will remember much about it like i do our other houses.  we have celebrated no xmas's here, no thanksgivings, holidays have become too hard.. but if leanne or julie or  both lived closer we would, i think, especially now with grandkids, try to start some new traditions around those holidays.   i dont blame the house, its a nice house.  when u walk into a house u can usually (at least i can) feel if its a happy house, a mediocre house, or a not so happy house.  i think if i walked into this house i would feel its a empty house, just a house, nothing special, nicely decorated but, well a house with no emotions in it.  thats how i feel.

so we are hoping that with all the showings we have been having the past 2 weeks, that some couple will see or feel the potential for this house to be their home.  we tried, or perhaps, i tried to make it a home.   now its time to move on, perhaps to a new house that i will remember and will have memories in it.  i can only hope.

house #6

jeff and i have been married 32 years this year.  we have now owned 6 homes.  which means we have on average moved every 5.33 years.  thats alot of moving and packing.   so here we are again, house up for sale, trying to keep it ridiculously spotless awaiting that "can we show ur house" phone call.  this time is different.  well kinda.  we dont have any children at home to nag and whine to to clean up and dont leave anything lying around. actually our last house had the same issue, but that was right after aj died and we had no business even trying to move, but we did, i barely remember the drive back down to texas.  we were leaving a town and people that i had grown to love in a very short period of time.  i still miss oklahoma.  i will always miss the life i left there.

so now our new adventure brings us back to familiar if not favorite grounds.  back to houston.  we plan on enjoying the life we have left being with our girls and their families, not being those grandparents that only get to see their grandkids a couple of times a year.  we have lost too much to let that precious time with them go by, to say to ourselves " oh we will do it later, or when we retire" - well i learned nearly 6 years ago that no one has the luxury of thinking there is a "tomorrow" - i barely plan out the day anymore, let alone years in the future.  but this is one plan that jeff and i feel very strongly about, and we hope it happens sooner than later.  now that all the work is done on the house, i want things to move quickly, i am done here.  i put my heart and sole into yet another house and i am leaving it.  and its all ok.

we will rent for awhile, perhaps a long while.  i am ok with that. with all we did to prep this house for sale i am burned out.  my poor little body doesnt rebound like it used to! LOL

so wish us luck, wish us some good health, and wish us some glorious time and happiness with our family.  i think we deserve it.  i think all of us do.

ode to the commonwealth of virginia

so jeff is working a contract job for greg here in lynchburg, virginia.  probably one of the prettiest states i have ever had the privilege of being in.  the blue ridge mountains border the town on the west and rolling hills border the rest of the town.  i drove out here with the dogs last week to spend time with jeff, to give him a reprieve from a 12 hour day, 7 days a  week - home cooked meals (dont laugh), laundry done, so he doesnt have to use up his precious 2.5 hours a nite.

the apartment is darling, the area is gorgeous - walk out the door and  a pond and huge hill filled with various trees await ur sight.  how could u be sad here???

but it isnt all bliss - well the worse part of being here is that people here cannot drive the speed limit ever!! now u ask, so?? so they speed on crawl on ur bumper?? hahahahahahahahaha  i wish!! no the opposite, young and old, they go 10-15 mph BELOW the speed limit... no kidding!! its the craziest most annoying thing, this coming from a woman who is a very defensive driver and usually swears at the person  riding my butt - nope, NOW i am the crazy driver yelling "PUSH UR FOOT DOWN ON THE PEDAL DAMMIT!!".

so i as is customary, have gotten around the town quite well.  made some wrong turns along the way but always managed to find my way home, without a damn GPS!!

jeff and i took a leisurely drive down to the Blue Ridge Parkway the other day, drove up the Roanoke Mountain, and altho the views were more than spectacular, i found something out about myself.  i love mountains, i love looking at them and i kinda like getting out of the car to look out to the vastness below.
BUT i dont  like the twists and turns on these tiny skinny roads that have little or no guard rails (and eternity is awaiting on the other side in the form of a 1000 foot drop).  so that being said, i will stick with living where i can drive without breaking into a sweat down to my fingernails.

so i am going to enjoy the next week here in the commonwealth of virginia - going to go to a winery about 21 miles away this week to buy some local wine - pumpkin pie, pear, to name a few!!

virginia ham anyone???

the holidays are not happy for everyone

so not to start my blogging with "doggie downers" but i hate this time of year.  i didn't used to.  the holidays, and i mean every holiday, used to be a big deal in our lifes, decorating, cooking (well as much cooking as i enjoy which isn't much), and just plain enjoying life.  then our son was killed and with his death the holidays are now just a horrible reminder of what our lives were and what they are not now.

we have 2 daughters who have given us in the space of 9 months, 2 beautiful grandchildren who have their uncles initials for their names, one is a girl, one a boy.   and they are precious gifts in our lives.  and altho we have now found some joy that has been missing for the past 5 years, even having them in our lives doesn't change my feelings about the holidays.   neither of our grandchildren live close by, maybe that would help.  i don't know.

i feel like people judge my "anti-xmas" state of mind.  and perhaps we should just plow thru it, put up a damn tree, decorate, cook, shop and celebrate...that would involve way too much work and effort, neither of which i have the desire to do.  we sold all our decorations and i only kept the ornaments that meant something to me and they are packed away safely in our crawl space.  the holidays are not joyous for me (us), altho if u met me u probably would not know that every day is a struggle to get through.  but i do it, everyday because 5 years ago i made the choice to stay "in the game" - but the game is hard some days, and it is especially hard during the "happy holiday" season.

our son was only 17,  his whole live ahead of him and here i sit without him.  so remember in these holiday times, that not all of us walking around are joyous, even if we put on a happy face, its not a easy time of year for us.  i never signed up for the club i am in and truly hope that no one else i know ever experiences the death of a child.  not everyone has happy holidays, and if u do, try to remind yourself that through all the craziness u may be experiencing getting everything done that i would give anything for the holiday normal that we used to have. craziness and all.