a house is just a house

well its the day before what would have been aj's 23rd birthday.  i did not sleep well, its hard to sleep well when ur eyes are burning from crying.  6 years.

but in my tossing and turning last nite i, as is customary when i cant sleep, have major mind chatter.  this one revolved around our current home in frankfort, IL.   its a nice house, we have done some very nice things to it.
but its just a house.  i have often wondered for the past 4 years of living here why i havent "bonded" with this house.  i have painted, stripped wallpaper, redone a kitchen, cleaned, decorated etc. and yet at the end of the day, altho i am proud of my accomplishments, i really dont care about this house.

so i figured it out last nite.  we have never been a "family" here, no children have lived and grown here.  its just me and jeff, which is fine, and eventually that would have been the case in our other houses.  but how we got to this point isnt in the "natural" scheme of family life.  leanne and jp lived with us for 3 wonderful months, and they have come to visit.  julie, josh and aliza have come to visit.  but none of them have lived here like before.

we should have never been back here anyway.  we were living in oklahoma, with aj, our only child at home with us, but there was activity and life in that house.  i feel in this house we just exist.  thats sad, and i know it.
aj would have finished high school, went off to college (or to canada) and then moved out, that would have been the "easy" way of becoming empty nesters... but then that house would have had family memories to hug us with.  this house doesnt have that, not much of it any way.   i doubt in the scheme of things, aside wonderful neighbors, that once we move from this house that i will remember much about it like i do our other houses.  we have celebrated no xmas's here, no thanksgivings, holidays have become too hard.. but if leanne or julie or  both lived closer we would, i think, especially now with grandkids, try to start some new traditions around those holidays.   i dont blame the house, its a nice house.  when u walk into a house u can usually (at least i can) feel if its a happy house, a mediocre house, or a not so happy house.  i think if i walked into this house i would feel its a empty house, just a house, nothing special, nicely decorated but, well a house with no emotions in it.  thats how i feel.

so we are hoping that with all the showings we have been having the past 2 weeks, that some couple will see or feel the potential for this house to be their home.  we tried, or perhaps, i tried to make it a home.   now its time to move on, perhaps to a new house that i will remember and will have memories in it.  i can only hope.