the holidays are not happy for everyone

so not to start my blogging with "doggie downers" but i hate this time of year.  i didn't used to.  the holidays, and i mean every holiday, used to be a big deal in our lifes, decorating, cooking (well as much cooking as i enjoy which isn't much), and just plain enjoying life.  then our son was killed and with his death the holidays are now just a horrible reminder of what our lives were and what they are not now.

we have 2 daughters who have given us in the space of 9 months, 2 beautiful grandchildren who have their uncles initials for their names, one is a girl, one a boy.   and they are precious gifts in our lives.  and altho we have now found some joy that has been missing for the past 5 years, even having them in our lives doesn't change my feelings about the holidays.   neither of our grandchildren live close by, maybe that would help.  i don't know.

i feel like people judge my "anti-xmas" state of mind.  and perhaps we should just plow thru it, put up a damn tree, decorate, cook, shop and celebrate...that would involve way too much work and effort, neither of which i have the desire to do.  we sold all our decorations and i only kept the ornaments that meant something to me and they are packed away safely in our crawl space.  the holidays are not joyous for me (us), altho if u met me u probably would not know that every day is a struggle to get through.  but i do it, everyday because 5 years ago i made the choice to stay "in the game" - but the game is hard some days, and it is especially hard during the "happy holiday" season.

our son was only 17,  his whole live ahead of him and here i sit without him.  so remember in these holiday times, that not all of us walking around are joyous, even if we put on a happy face, its not a easy time of year for us.  i never signed up for the club i am in and truly hope that no one else i know ever experiences the death of a child.  not everyone has happy holidays, and if u do, try to remind yourself that through all the craziness u may be experiencing getting everything done that i would give anything for the holiday normal that we used to have. craziness and all.